TALK THAT TALK: 1+1+1 = The Threesome Rules

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Maybe you have been dating for a long time; maybe a couple approached you, but the topic of having a threesome had suddenly come up, and you’re admittedly curious. Times have changed. Most of us are not marrying at 18 and having children immediately. A lot of us are career focused, and spending a lot of our late twenties dating, traveling and bonding with our girlfriends. Ipso facto, we are experiencing new and exciting adventures, and learning that a healthy, open sexuality should be celebrated. But what kind of party are you looking for? If the idea of trying something taboo is something you can’t resist, read on. I have three (ha!) no nonsense standards that you must take into consideration before hitting the sheets.

Before

Is this your relationship? Or are you the third for the night? Are you going to be friends after this? Answering these questions can make all the difference in the world in the moment, as well as after the deed is done. Having a threesome with your boyfriend and an extra can sound quite thrilling, others feel nauseated. If the thought of watching the man you are in love with have sex with a stranger – in front of you – makes you anxious, pause on bringing a pal in. Conversely, is he actually cool with having you being with someone else? Unless this is a random “fancy” one-night stand, it’s a good idea to have a chat to gage what everyone’s expectations are, and how to make sure all needs are met. Note – if you can’t even imagine having this conversation, you have your answer.

During

We learned in grade school how to implement the Buddy System, and this is no exception. You don’t need to High 5 each other (but whatever blows your hair back) just make sure nobody is left out; successful threesomes are ones when each participant feels included. It may seem silly, but this is a pretty vulnerable situation and hurt feelings can be avoided. Remember if you want to do this, it’s because you think it will enhance your relationship, or theirs. Teamwork!

After

This can be tricky. Depending on the situation, you may feel mixed emotions. For some it’s an exhilarating, fun memory that can be a great way to get out of a sexual rut. For others, shame, embarrassment and confusion can start to seep in. Did he like her body better? Was he paying more attention to her?  Every time we hit the bedroom with someone, our brains release feel-good chemicals; a flurry of neurotransmitters surge us and we form connections. Women can equate sex with connection, and it can get messy if they start feeling insecure, especially when that can be avoided by having a real talk to clear the air. (See Before.)

At the end of the day, these are just guidelines to ensure a positive experience. Whether you are YAY! or NO WAY! it is important to be honest with yourself, and trust your gut. Also, it goes without saying that all three of you know your current STD result, have condoms and not making stupid choices – if you don’t respect your body, who will? Healthy sexuality includes open communication, and an assertion that your decisions are based on self-respect and come from a sex positive mindset. It should never come from being pressured, or thinking that getting naked gets the guy.