TALK THAT TALK: The Breakup Point

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Don’t you love meeting someone new? Flowers smell prettier, that dick that cuts you off in traffic is actually tolerable, and your Pinterest wedding board is spectacular. Everything is amazing, and you are convinced this is so meant to be. But what happens when things start to unfold, and suddenly the future with your swoon-worthy guy seems dismal? The harsh reality is, you will likely break-up with every boyfriend, until you find your groove and settle down with “The One.” (Yay, twenties…)

It can be tricky when feelings change and you are left to decide whether or not this person fits with you anymore, or not. Luckily, there are a few ways to suss out whether or not you’ve reached the Breakup Point.

1 – You’re Angry 24/7

Or annoyed. Or crabby. He comes home early, or late, or mucks up your day. His stinky old running t-shirt that he airs out in your bathroom was a cute trademark at first, but the sight of it gets your blood boiling. And he better not text you during your weekly wine-bender with the girls. The biggest clue on when it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship is how you reactively feel when he does the same, normal ‘stuff’ and yet you’re bothered by it. Whereas calling to check-in when you are out of town is uber sweet at first, now your phone is on silent. If he forgets you like your Starbucks with milk and not cream, his ‘messing up’ can start a bitchfest, when in the beginning it was his thoughtfulness that mattered. You get the gist. But why? Our bodies are more instinctive than we give them credit for. Back in the Caveman days humans survived based on instinct; it’s a protection factor to warn them against danger. Now, centuries later we pair Instinct with Intuition. When something is off, our bodies let us know by flooding us with Cortisol, which is a stress hormone. It is the same feeling you get when you are on a rollercoaster and you have that mini freak out before you propel twenty stories in the air. When it comes to relationships, when something doesn’t feel right, but we don’t know what, we subconsciously look for a reason. Hence the nit-picking, the prodding, the almost looking for a fight – our bodies want to figure out what’s wrong, before our minds can catch up. *Babely Tip: If he’s constantly pissing you off, and you are fighting about topics and not problems, it’s only going to get worse before it gets better.

 

2 – The Sex Sucks.

When you first get together with your honey the likelihood of getting your bang on (repeatedly) is high. The first part of a new relationship is when you get to lose all your inhibitions and just enjoy each other. These are always the delicious stories that make your single girlfriends quietly nod and listen as your recount your five-times-in-one-night-kissing-between-bites-of-pad thai story. Hell, we have all seen those oblivious new couples that can’t stop touching. However, when the sex is crap – consistently – there may be an underlying issue. Not everyone has the same sex drive, but unfortunately it is a language of love for most. Men are incredibly visual and women are very kinesthetic. We need touch, kissing, intimacy; it is hardwired in our brains to crave it.  There is a big myth running that women don’t enjoy sex as much as men do, or don’t use it as expression. We do. Very much so. When the physicality changes, significantly enough for you to feel affected by it, it may be time to reassess. *Babely Tip: This is not the same as being in a sex rut; which happens after being in a relationship long enough. Short of swinging from the chandelier, if you are in a long-term relationship, eventually things ebb and flow. Sometimes the sex is blah, sometimes you see stars. The difference being, if you can’t recall the last time your toes curled, or if the quickies stop, or worse, if either of you starts making excuses to not have sex, well the clock is ticking unfortunately.

 

3 – What You Want Changes

We human beings are constantly evolving, growing and learning; that’s the point. We are designed to gather up information and make decisions based on the data collected. The same theory applies to relationships. Sometimes we out grow them. Sometimes we think we want something, the universe complies, and it turns out it isn’t exactly what you had imagined. Ideally, before anything serious happens it is wise to have an honest chat about what you want your future to look like. This is not second date conversation, nor is this about your future together. This is about what YOU want, and with full disclosure. If you want to have a condo in the city, a couple kids before 35 and enough cash to take a vacation to the Bahamas once a year, tell him! Most people don’t, and then are suddenly miffed when their lives don’t collide. Wouldn’t you rather know a few months in that his idea of retirement is a cottage by the lake, and his idea of a vacation is not the tropics, but a back-packing adventure going from hostel to hostel. People underestimate this constantly. Many assume that “Love is all you Need” when in reality, a similar life ideal bodes stronger. I have seen countless couples madly in love suddenly end their relationship because Bobby wants to have kids and is super religious and Sally wants a career first and hasn’t been to Church in years. The both of you need to be frank about what your ideal life looks like, and see if it can merge into a life together. This doesn’t mean be carbon copies, but the basics (money, kids, housing) should be on the same page. *Babely Tip: Don’t lose your identity. If you bite your tongue when hot topics come up, or just assume that because you are in love that you will want the same things, eventually everything will bubble to the surface. The right guy will be attracted to you because they resonate with your authentic self, not someone you think they want you to be.

At the end of the day, the choice is ultimately yours. It takes a lot of courage to end a relationship that on paper can look wonderful. So many people stay in partnerships that no longer serve them. It’s as if we cling to what we know because we are afraid of being single forever, the silly proverbial “Time Line” or we hope that things will all of a sudden turn around and go back to when it was amazing. There is a massive difference between solid couples who have hit a rough patch but are committed to doing the steps needed to repair a relationship that they both want; versus a stale pairing that you know deep down is not making you as happy as you could/should feel. Of course, violence, abuse, infidelity, lying etc. are all non-negotiables. If he hits you, screams at you, sleeps with your neighbour, there is no other option. But sometimes it isn’t so cut and dry. *Babely Tip: How you feel after reading this is quite indicative of your answer – if the idea of ending things gives your relief vs. anxiety you have your answer.