TALK THAT TALK — Trouts + Tanlines


Recently, a bunch of writers flew across North America to attend what would be known as the ‘Annual Vacation’. That’s correct; those writers were us. Our party spot de jure was a beachy summer retreat in Marco Island, Florida. Seven girls, one house, what could go wrong? The agenda was simple; food, booze, beach, and two days to do it.

After some vodka drenched Jello shots (you’re never too old) the girly chit chat turned to Trouts. What is a Trout? A Trout in its simplest term would be comparable to a Cougar. Generally, Trouts are mid to late thirties – mid to late forties, who are interested in wooing/doing women in their twenties. Trouts are attractive, successful and project an image you can spot a mile away. Akin to the Cougar who saunters into the bar to ask the baby-faced bartender for a light, the Trout is the kind-of-old-guy who is curiously drinking margaritas in plastic cups at the college bar. This turned into a full fledged discussion.

But what about Sugar Daddies? Don’t be fooled. There is a distinct difference between a Trout and a Sugar Daddy and it’s all about the Benjamins. The supposed point of a Sugar Daddy is to have a male figure essentially give a grown woman an allowance. A Sugar Daddy is also usually a lot older; often attached, and not necessarily a body double for Clooney. There are even dating websites specifically devoted to setting up rich men who are willing to pay for play — for chicks that don’t care. As for D.I.L.Fs, well, you just have to spell it out. Whereas a Trout is often not as financially well off as he boasts. Trouts are the ones flaunting an image of sex and wealth. Trouts are the guys who are a little too old to be here, but not too old where it becomes creepy. They can be spotted a mile away – look for the 36 year old  who smells like tanning oil wearing Oakleys in an open Hawaiian shirt trying to grind at the beach bar.

Trout Cheat Sheet:

Where they party: Any club where the median age is twenty-two. An over populated beach. Bars with kooky themes; with servers wearing costumes. Bars that still play Gagnam Style.

Average Trout Age Range: 35-42ish

Trout Uniform: Button down, jeans and dress shoes. Flame tattoos up the arm. Overly gelled hair. Hawaiian shirts. 90s goatee. Wrap around sunglasses. Funky hats.

Trout Drink: Frozen chick drinks, beer. Rye and cokes.

Trout Pickups: Roaring their boat jams and dancing awkwardly to peacock for attention. Asking about something about what your shirt says. Asking to come to another bar (with them.) Mentioning body shots. More awkward dancing.

Trout Exits: Mention you have kids. Mention you are still in high school.

Celeb Trout: Vince Vaughn



D.I.L.F Cheat Sheet:

Where they party: The local park. Baby Gap. Bars that look like cabins/lodges. Pubs.

Average D.I.L.F Age: 28-36ish

D.I.L.F Uniform: Ball caps. Baby Bijorns. T-shirts and sneakers. Hoodie and jeans. Strollers.

D.I.L.F Drink: Coors Lite, Blue Lite, Bud Lite. Jager on kid-free nights.

D.I.L.F Pickups: Divorce court. The gym. The cute I-Have-A-Kid-Face designed to tug at heartstrings (and biological clocks.)

D.I.L.F Exits: Anything to do with ex-wife baggage. Mention how much you hate kids.

Celeb D.I.L.F: Chris Hemsworth


Sugar Daddy Cheat Sheet:

Where they are partying: Clubs that have a dress code. Stripclubs. Anywhere with florescent lighting and a huge bouncer.

Average SD Age: 45+

SD Uniform: Man jewelry. Pants that are too short. Anything that they think will make them look younger…which typically backfires tremendously.

SD: Drink: Bottle Service, in rocks glasses without using their straws. Polar Bear shots.

SD: Pickups: Name dropping. Assigning future dates together on his boat. Talking about money. Trying to shove liquor down your throat (and top.)

SD: Exists: Whatever you do, don’t pull the “Sorry, but I’m into chicks” scam – they love that.

Celeb Sugar Daddy: Simon Cowell



Truth be told, I am not completely put off by any of the above. We have Pam Anderson and Stiflers Mom to thank for the explosive M.I.L.F/Cougar epidemic, so it is only fair that us gals get to play. Or at least have the option to. While I prefer to date older, if he needs “assistance” I am out of there. *See Sex and The City Season 2 Ep. 8 for further clarification.* Further, while the stories of using Sugar Daddies to pay tuition/bills can be debated as a bold business move, I think guilt and karma overrides. Also, Trouts often live in a world of tanning oil and wristbands, which levels out their maturity. As for D.I.L.Fs, just make sure he’s actually single. Life is short, and any of the above could be a fascinating experience…or at the very least a story for next year’s vacation.